Comment on book "interpersonal skills at work" by John Hayes

This is the very first book that I ever read on interpersonal skills (or people skills). It's a book provides a thorough theoretical discussion on all the aspects of people skills that may involve. Although such book won't immediately gives me tips on dealing with people, it's a wonderful book for me, an engineering nerd to gain some insights on know how and why the people skills may involve. I've been too "green", I've been too naive, to social skills. This book answers or confirms me that social skills are an behavioral science that involves ample strict scientific study, that indeed deserve reading to be aware of the people skills that we encountered every day every moment in working environment and social life. To enlighten myself to keep track of my awareness, I am bulleting down some important key words that may help me thinking of later on:

1) Listening (the skills I am actually pretty lack off!)
2) Listening to non-verbal messages (I should pay more aware on it)
3) Questioning and the information getting interview (after the interview process, I feel quite informed with this aspect, especially the point: use open questions for the interview)
4) presenting information to others
5) Helping and faciliating (Gee! I never can think help can have so many different styles that may make your love it or hate it! You may help by advising, supporting, challenging or information gathering)
6) Asserting and influencing ( this is obviously what I am lacking or not strong with. )
7) Negotiating (My negotiation with Logitech is so lame... But the tricks they play totally demonstrate all the possible contending tactics, including imposing time pressure, hold firm, making it costly to continue to negotiate, persuasive argument). Instead, my strategy is flexible tactics, which may seem too lame or weak by the other party)
8) working with groups (very helpful! group interaction process tells a lot of the group that you need to be aware and get used to it. Observe frequency and duration of communication, , communication patterns will help to diagnose the group environment. Role functions are very diversified. To contribute the group more efficiently, employees need to try to involve more role functions: task roles: initiator, information seeker, opinion seeker, information giver, opinion giver, elaborator, evaluator/critic, coordinator, decision manager, recorder, supporter/follower. Maintainence roles: encourager, gatekeeper, mediator, compromiser, standard setter.
9) manging relationships more effectively. (three ego states: parent, adult or child. Never think you are a new grad and treat self as a child anymore!)

I am glad that I encounter this book and get to know the interesting theory that are embeded in everywhere. So next time, when I have nothing to say, I should treat myself experiencing an interesting game that nobody knows by observing the others and try to understand more!

Time-outs: How to make them work

Time-outs: How to make them work

by Paula Spencer and Karen Miles

---

Highlights

What to expect at this age
What to do

What to expect at this age
It's a 2-year-old's job to explore the world around him — and part of that exploration involves testing the boundaries of his world. That means your 2-year-old will gleefully push the limits you impose in an effort to find out what's okay and what's not okay. He's also a creature ruled by emotion, and can turn on a dime from a happy-go-lucky child to a flailing, wailing wild thing.

When your child gets too worked up for his own good, sometimes the best way to help him get a handle on himself is to remove him from whatever sparked the meltdown (or the limits-pushing) in favor of a little quiet time, better known as a time-out. Though many experts, including Penelope Leach, are skeptical about using traditional time-outs with children so young, it's fine to introduce the concept of a cooling-off period now. Six strategies for making the most of time-outs with your child:

What to do
Understand what a time-out is — and isn't. If you don't think of a time-out as punishment, neither will your child, and that's as it should be. Instead, think of it as an opportunity to teach your child how to cope with common frustrations and modify his behavior. Although at times it may require superhuman effort, try not to scold, yell, or speak angrily when you call "time-out" — the point isn't to chastise your child, it's simply to help him switch gears. The goal of a time-out is to defuse and redirect an escalating situation in an unemotional way, and to help your child behave without setting a negative example, the way yelling does.

Don't give formal time-outs before your child is ready for them. Two-year-olds find it hard to sit still, so trying to make your little one stay in one place for a prescribed length of time may well disintegrate into a chase scene: Your child runs away from his time-out spot, delighted with this new game. You catch him, then struggle to make him stay. You threaten, he laughs. You grab, he bolts. Meanwhile, because 2-year-olds have short attention spans, your child forgets why you wanted him to sit still in the first place. Instead of helping him regain his self-control, you find yourself in an escalating power struggle.

That's why traditional time-outs won't work until your child begins to appreciate the need to follow rules (usually around his third birthday). Watch for signs that he understands what's allowed and what's not — if he reminds you of the rules when you break them, chances are he's absorbed that lesson. If, for instance, he catches you doing something you normally wouldn't allow him to — munching potato chips on the sofa, say — he may scold, "You're not supposed to do that, Mommy." Until that point, though, hold off on time-outs or your child will feel he's being punished but won't understand why.

Meanwhile, try to distinguish between your child's natural inquisitiveness and willful disobedience. Instead of constantly correcting his behavior, childproof your home to reduce the opportunities for mischief, and distract your child to redirect his attention to more suitable activities. Save time-outs for when your child is doing something he knows is wrong and distraction and redirection just aren't working, or when he needs to get a grip on his emotions.

Take time-outs together. Most 2-year-olds just aren't ready for solitary time-outs, so introduce the idea of time-out by taking a "positive" one together. When your 2-year-old gets revved up and borders on losing control, try saying, "Let's take a time-out to read a book until we feel better." Any quiet activity, such as listening to music, lying down, or putting together a simple puzzle will work.

Taking a time-out with you gets your child used to the idea of a cooling-off period. It disrupts the downward spiral of negative behavior while avoiding the battle of wills that a more formal time-out can incite.

Plan ahead. Don't spring time-outs on your child in a burst of frustration — this discipline method works best if it's explained ahead of time. Use simple terms: "When you get too wild or act in a way that Mommy and Daddy don't think is a good idea, I'll call, 'Time-out.' That means you'll sit in this chair for a little while until you can calm yourself down." You may find it helpful to act this out or to use a doll or teddy bear to demonstrate.

Be flexible. With a 2-year-old, your goal is simply to introduce the idea of an enforced break in the action. Such an interruption can be upsetting enough to your hard-charging, egocentric 2-year-old; insisting that he sit in a certain place, in a certain way, for a certain length of time may be too much for him. Instead of marching him to a special "time-out" chair, for instance, consider just having him sit still right where he is — and stay with him if need be. Go easy, too, in determining how long he needs to stay there. (Don't start following the common one-minute-per-year rule until your child is at least 3.) Thirty seconds to a minute is generally enough for a 2-year-old. The period should be long enough to refocus his attention but not so long that he gets frustrated. One idea: Have him sit and recite his ABCs, then redirect him to a different activity.

Don't expect miracles. As you've no doubt discovered, 2-year-olds are notoriously active, willful, and unpredictable. This is normal (though admittedly tough on you), and the only solution is plenty of patience. Testing limits and gauging your reactions — over and over again — is your child's way of establishing a secure understanding of his world. He may repeatedly toss food off the table to establish that gravity continues to exist. He may repeat an action just to make sure it's still "not okay," so consistency is vital.

No single disciplinary approach — including time-outs — will transform your child into an obedient angel. But learning what behaviors are normal (or at least unavoidable!) at this age will help keep your expectations realistic. If, on the other hand, your child is usually pretty compliant and easily redirected, you may be lucky enough never to need time-out. You may also find that using the positive time-out technique — changing the pace to a quieter activity — works well throughout your youngster's childhood.

What you can do about aggression

The following post is from babycenter.

Mommy's apologies, my little honey. Mommy is responsible for your aggression. The other day, you hit mommy so heavily into mommy's face with your cup. You did that before also. Mommy's responses were always yelling, scolding so mad. This is not a good model for you to learn to control your temper. Even mommy at this stage still found very difficult to control anger and temper. Cooling off will help. Mommy will learn that and let's go through this aggression together.

Highlights

Why 2-year-olds get aggressive
What you can do about aggression

Why 2-year-olds get aggressive
There you are, watching your little angel on the playground, thinking how blessed you are to have him. All of a sudden, he draws back his dimpled little hand — and whacks another child squarely on the nose.

Shocking as it may seem to you (and to the other parents on the playground), aggression is a normal part of your child's development. Primitive language skills, a fierce desire to become independent, and impulsiveness make kids this age prime candidates for getting physical. "Some degree of hitting and biting is completely normal, because 2-year-olds are so focused on 'me' and 'mine,'" says Nadine Block, executive director of the Center for Effective Discipline in Columbus, Ohio. So while your 2-year-old's behavior may embarrass and worry you — and it's certainly not okay for him to hurt other kids — it doesn't mean you're raising a bully. By consistently letting your youngster know that aggressive behavior won't cut it and showing him other ways to express his feelings, you can help him control himself and learn to get along with others.

What you can do about aggression
Respond quickly. Try to respond immediately when you see your child getting aggressive. It's tempting to wait until he's hit his brother for the third time before saying, "That's enough!" (especially when you've already reprimanded him a dozen times in the last hour). Even so, it's best to let him know instantly when he's done something wrong. Remove him from the situation for a brief time-out — for a 2-year-old, even a few seconds may be enough. The idea is for him to connect his behavior with the consequence and figure out that if he hits or bites, he'll miss out on the fun.

Follow up. If your 2-year-old gets into the ball pit at the indoor play center and immediately starts throwing balls at other kids, take him out. Sit down with him and watch the other kids play, explaining that he can go back in when he's ready to join the fun without hurting others. No matter how angry you are with him, try not to yell, hit, or tell your child he's bad. Rather than getting him to change his behavior, this simply teaches him that verbal and physical aggression are the way to go when he's mad. Instead, showing him that you can control your temper may be the first step in helping him control his.

Stick to the plan. As much as possible, respond to aggressive acts the same way every time. The more predictable you are ("Okay, you bit Billy again — that means another time-out"), the sooner you'll set up a pattern that your child comes to recognize and expect. Even if he does something to mortify you in public, stick to the game plan. Most parents understand your situation — after all, we've all been there before. If people stare, toss off a wry comment like, "Don't you just love 2-year-olds?" and then handle the episode the way you see fit.

Show and tell. After you've pulled your child aside, wait until he settles down a bit and then calmly and gently review what happened. Ask him if he can explain what triggered his outburst. ("Jordan, why do you think you got so mad at Scott?") Explain that it's perfectly natural to get angry sometimes, but it's not okay to hit, kick, or bite. Encourage your 2-year-old to find a better way to express how mad he is. Kicking a ball, pounding his fist into a pillow, asking a grown-up for help, or even just telling his playmate that he's steamed (without yelling) are good, age-appropriate responses to anger. You can also help your youngster understand his emotions by reading a book together on the topic — try Mr. Rogers' Let's Talk About Feeling Angry.

Teach him to apologize. Make sure your child understands that he needs to say he's sorry whenever he lashes out — even if you have to lead him by the hand to the offended party and say it for him. His apologies might seem insincere at first, but the lesson will eventually sink in.

Reward good behavior. Rather than paying attention to your 2-year-old only when he misbehaves, try to catch him being good — if he asks for a turn on the swing instead of pushing another kid out of the way, for instance, or shares a toy instead of jerking it away. Praise him lavishly ("I was so proud when you waited your turn!") and he'll soon realize how powerful politeness can be. You could even reward him with a sticker when he manages to keep his temper in check.

Limit TV time. Innocent-looking cartoons and other so-called children's shows are often rife with shouting, threats, shoving, and hitting. So try to monitor the programs your 2-year-old sees by watching them with him — particularly if he's prone to aggression. If something happens on a show that you don't approve of, talk to your child about it: "Did you see how that bear pushed the other bear to get what he wanted? That wasn't a very good thing to do, was it?" (The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that kids age 2 and older see no more than an hour or two of "quality" television a day — yet another reason to skip that show in the future.) You might also find that your child is aggressive when he doesn't get enough opportunities to burn off his abundant energy. So try to provide plenty of unstructured playtime — preferably outdoors — to let him blow off steam.

Don't be afraid to seek help. Sometimes a child's aggression requires more intervention than a parent can provide. If your 2-year-old seems to behave aggressively more often than not, if he routinely frightens or upsets other children, or if your efforts to curb his behavior aren't working, talk to his pediatrician. Together you can root out the source of the behavior, help your child through it, and decide if a counselor or child psychologist is needed. Remember, your child is still very young. With careful guidance and plenty of patience, that playground pummeling will soon be a thing of the past.