4 Steps to Teaching Kids Responsibility

4 Steps to Teaching Kids Responsibility

Psychologist Charles Fay, Ph.D., of the Love and Logic Institute, suggests four steps for parents who want their children to learn self-discipline and a sense of responsibility:

1. Give children lots of freedom to exercisechoices over issues with small consequences.

2. Secretly hope your child blows it.

3. When he or she blows it, provide a dose of sympathy.

4. Let your child make the same mistake again.

The mistake some parents make, Fay says, is intervening rather than letting natural consequences take their course. Children learn from their mistakes.
- Sandra Whitehead

How do you do this?

Start by setting and maintaining consistent limits. Young children need parents to set boundaries, says Genett. "Children need to know that parents will do what it takes to keep them safe. These limits help them develop a healthy personality. As they grow up, they integrate these limits into their own self-discipline.

"If parents don't set limits, kids become unruly, and take physical and psychological risks," she says. "These children are unhappy and often have psychological problems. They know something is wrong, but they don't know what to do about it."

As children get older, involve them in developing their own rules and consequences, Brooks advises. This also allows parents to teach kids that rules are not arbitrary; there are reasons for them.

Pay attention to how you parent. Parenting styles make a difference in teaching self-discipline, says Fay. He describes three typical parenting approaches, but notes that only one of them does the job:

1. Drill Sergeant Parents - Constantly tell kids what decisions to make and what their values should be. They bark out orders and expect their kids to follow them. Their children grow up needing someone to tell them what to do, says Fay.
2. Helicopter Parents - Hover over their children, and when the kids make a bad decision, they swoop in and solve the problem. Their kids grow up believing they need someone to rescue them.
3. Consultant Parents - Boss and rescue as little as possible. They share their thoughts, but they don't tell kids what to do. They don't take on a child's problem as their own. Their strategy is to give their kids the opportunity to make choices when the consequences are small and then let the children deal with the consequences of their decisions. Ultimately, this helps a child develop self-discipline.